LOVE: IT IS SO ROMANTIC!

Hi There Friends!

I pray you have had a fantastic day!

I am thankful that I have made it past the middle of the week,

And that I get to continue our series on LOVE

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and my Friday!!!

TODAY – our discussion is about the romantic nature of love

LOVE IS SO ROMANTIC!   OK – NOT ALWAYS

HOWEVER – WHEN LOVE IS ROMANTIC … IT IS AMAZING! 

Of all our discussions on love –

This is one my favorite love topics

I told you I am a hopeless romantic – a staunch believer in the power of love

So, to me, powerful expressions of love just do something to me. I understand that, for some [especially if they have been single as long as I have], they do not want to hear about LOVE. However, I celebrate with those who have found love and I eagerly await the day the LORD will unfold His plans for me [whatever those plans may entail]

TODAY – I will be keeping things light. I have simply come up with two lists:

1.       My top three romantic exchanges in film [and why I find them romantic]

2.       My personal top five most romantic gestures

(Now – one thing you should know about me by now is that I do not believe in saying more than I feel is necessary to make my point. So, while a five and five list would make more natural sense – a three and five list is what I’ve prepared. I will thank you in advance for your forgiveness.)

WITH THAT SAID – LET’S GET STARTED

MOVIES & TELEVISION

Romance is a Bonus Book –

·         “When Dan-I smiles, I am happy. When Dan-I cries, my heart breaks and it drives me crazy. When she struggles, I struggle too. I miss her when she is not with me. If that’s love, I guess I love her then.”  When told that he needs to share his feelings with her and asked if he is being too careful, he responds: “Yes I’m being careful. But I’m going to be way more careful – that people might think I’m indecisive. I want to check 100 more times how deep my feelings are. I also want to wait until the day my feelings are reciprocated by hers. She’s not someone I can easily date and breakup with. To me, Dan-I is that important to me.” [Korean Netflix Series: Male lead Eun-Ho [played by Lee Jon-suk], ironically talking to his ex-girlfriend about his feelings for female lead Dan-I [played by Lee Na-young]

·         Why is this romantic? Because he is being so honest about his feelings. When we as women often think that men are always ‘cool, calm & collected’, this scene reveals some of the insecurities of men – wanting to be sure that their feelings will be reciprocated before they’ll take a chance. And, he shares how he is willing to take things slow because she is so special that he doesn’t want to mess it up. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE – Super Sweet!

The Notebook –

·       Noah asks Allie, “Will you just stay with me?” and her response is, “Stay with you? What for? Look at us – we’re already fightin’!” What happens next is quite the declaration from Noah: “Well that’s what we do, we fight … You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son-of-a-b^#*! and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the a** … which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have  like a two-second rebound rate, and you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-a** thing ... So, it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard and we’re going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that, because I want you. I want all you forever … you and me … every day.”

·       Where’s the romance in a fight scene? First allow me to apologize for selecting a scene with some ‘flowery’ language. However, I LOVE the realness of this scene. There are no false expectations here. They both know it is going to be a challenge. However, knowing this, they still ultimately decide to make a go of it. When you are in a relationship where you can be yourself, be honest, and vulnerable and direct – WHERE YOU CAN KEEP IT 100% REAL – you have something pretty special.

To Sir With Love –

·       Very limited dialogue here … it is just a dance, ladies choice (there’s a link in the comments section). And, if you are familiar with the film, you know that the young lady in the scene is fully enamored with her teacher, Mark Thackeray who is referred to by his students simply as, ‘Sir’ [played by the ever-dashing Sidney Poitier]. Ever the gentleman and responsible adult, Sir is able to let Pamela know that there will not be anything between them. Yet, he honors his word to give her one dance and tells her at the end, “The whole world’s waiting for you … you’re a smasher!”

·       How could this possibly be romantic, you might ask? Well, there is something sweet, and tender and brilliant about falling for someone – even when it is unrequited. To me, it introduces the hope of what could be some day [not with that individual … but some day, with somebody]. For someone who might not have ever experienced those types of feelings for another, it is an awakening experience. I love the purity of this scene where they are still able to laugh, to dance and to act silly – and to part as friendly acquaintances – even when the romantic feelings are not the same. Ironically, it is not a romance film at all … more of a coming of age [maturing] movie which also tackles race relations, class and micro- & macro- inequities. It helps us understand that some relationships come into your life simply to educate you, to mature you and get you ready for what’s next. One of my all-time favorites.

NOW – LET’S TACKLE MY LIST (counting down to #1)

·       The Mom-Seatbelt: Any mom who has children knows what this is. You brake too hard in the vehicle and your protective instincts kick in and that arm immediately goes out to the right (in the States) and slams that child to the seat as if: 1. your arm is stronger than the seatbelt they are wearing 2. your arm really would stop any crushing metal forcibly coming toward your passenger if you were in a wreck. This is what he did when we almost had a head-on collision. He wasn’t concerned about himself. He wasn’t concerned about his luxury vehicle. He was concerned about my safety. Still give me chills & goosebumps!

·       Nap Time: We had not seen each other in eight years. And, sitting on a couch, I fell asleep with my head on his chest. And he sat there, his arms wrapped around me and let me sleep for almost two hours. I apologized profusely when I woke up! But he shushed me, told me it was perfectly fine; that it made him feel great that I could be completely relaxed in his presence and get some much needed rest. So sweet!

·       What I Think of You: He said, “I think you are a very intelligent woman, and beautiful … and might I add … sexy” Something about the order of those compliments … It still makes me smile!

·       Five Simple Words: He simply & sincerely said, “Tell me what you need.” Who would think that five little words could be so powerful; could evoke such a reaction? Enough said … moving on …

·       My Lady: We were walking down an avenue in Boston. It was a bit chilly and there was snow and slush and cold murky water on the streets. He took my hand, and gently guided me … to the inside of the sidewalk – so that if anything splashed up by passing vehicles, it would hit him first. That was thirty-years ago if that gives you any idea of the impact it left. There is nothing more romantic than genuine care & concern. Wow!

SO, THERE ARE THEY ARE –  MY LISTS

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE LOVE & ROMANCE

What is at the top of your romance list?

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!!!!

Praying You Have a Blessed Evening 

     & Wishing You Much Love …

LOVE: IT IS NOT ...

Good Evening

I pray your week is off to a great start.

Only three more days until Valentine’s Day!!!

TODAY – we continue our discussion on LOVE;

However, we will not be focusing on the types of love and what love is;

We will be looking at what love is not

This segment in our journey is important. However, I feel I might lose a few of you.

I have struggled with whether to share this post but I must be transparent with my own failures.

Failure does not negate truth.

It may impact whether that truth is received by others – but it does not negate truth

Failure is not final. It can be utilized to create success in the lives of others

While you should learn from your own mistakes; you are miles ahead if you can learn from the mistakes of others

WITH THAT SAID – HERE IT GOES

Today is important because we will be focusing on the first of two areas I would like us to take a look at what love is not:

·         LOVE IS NOT ‘LUST’

·         LOVE IS NOT ‘LIKE’

LUST - 

We will begin with lust and follow up with like tomorrow.

LOVE IS NOT LUST & LUST IS NOT LOVE

The Cambridge dictionary defines lust as:

1. a very strong sexual desire: 2. a very powerful feeling of wanting something: 3. strong desire:

And one can lust for many things – for power, for influence, for finances.

However, for the sake of our discussion today, we will focus on the ‘very strong sexual desire’ definition. Lust is a strong desire to satisfy a fleshly hunger.

So, why is it important to understand that LOVE IS NOT LUST.

It is important because lust often gets confused with love. It is also important because it can fast-track a relationship when things should be moving  at a slower pace. And it is not just what you do physically, but what you fantasize about and what you speak about. Scripture notes that if you think lustfully, you have already committed adultery in your heart [Mt. 5:28]

I shared previously that I have not been on the dating or relationship scene for seventeen years. However – that does not mean that there has not been failure in this area. I have had conversations which would make some married people blush – conversations I am not proud of and which required me to turn [to repent] and to get back in the presence of God to get my priorities straight. I do not share this because it is comfortable or because it is anything to boast about. I share it in order to, prayerfully, help someone else avoid the same missteps and to help people understand that this is what can happen when proper boundaries are not maintained; when established boundaries are not tended to.

Is passionate conversation wrong?

No – not in and of it itself and within proper context.

The problem is when it is taken out of context and timing and rushed.

The Song of Solomon warns against arousing and awaking love [sexual desire] before it is time. [v 8:4] The Message Version of that same verse says: ‘Do not excite love, do not stir it up, until the time is ripe – and you are ready’.

‘All things should be done decent and in order’ [I Cor. 14:40].

Yet, this is not always the case, especially when lust – instead of love – is the focus.

I have been in my current home for three years – however, I still call it my ‘new house’. And, of all the things I love about my home, one the items at the top of that list has to be the fireplace. In my old house, we had a wood burning fireplace and – most likely because I lacked the discipline to get the chimney swept regularly – I probably only used twice in the fourteen years that I lived there. However, my ‘new house’ – with its three stories – is a different story. I love my fireplace and use it often. And, because it is a gas fireplace, all I have to do is hit the switch on the wall and … FIRE!!!

It is beautiful! It creates a relaxing atmosphere, it provides warmth and it is pleasant to look at. The fire and flames are mesmerizing and they make for an absolutely wonderful experience … because they are properly contained within my fireplace behind a glass enclosure.

However – if you take that same fire and place it in the center of my living room – it becomes a destructive force with the potential to harm me, to compromise the safety of my loved ones, to destroy everything I have worked to achieve and potentially impact my future as well – all because the fire was taken out of its proper setting [the fireplace].

THIS IS HOW IT IS WITH LUST

There is nothing wrong with fire – with passion [and dare I say eroticism] – in its proper context; in its proper setting  which is a committed marriage relationship between husband and wife where each is respectful of the other. Anything outside of this, however, is like that fire if it were to be placed in the center of my living room. It is foolish, dangerous, destructive and has long-lasting consequences.

I remember one of the last Christmases that I spent in Boston, MA where I grew up. It was Christmas evening and the smell from the fireplace suddenly seemed especially strong. It was because there was more burning than the logs in the hearth. My brother’s room was on fire – his cat had knocked over a candle he left burning. We were all safe and the firefighters were able to contain that damage to his room and part of the attic space near his room. However, over a year later, you could still see traces of smoke damage from the fire. And I do not believe the cat ever got rid of the dark gray color that the smoke gave him. All because of one moment of carelessness.

Likewise – a fire of passion – ignited in the wrong context and allowed to burn recklessly is simply not wise. AND IT IS NOT LOVE.

It has far-reaching and damaging effects and should be avoided by all - single and married.

Remember – you do not have to make all your own mistakes; you can learn from the mistakes of others.

LOVE IS NOT LUST – AND – LUST IS NOT LOVE

It is not love toward the other person and it is not love toward self.

‘Do you not know that he who sins sexually sins against his own body?’ [I Cor. 6:18]

And, even if there is no physical contact – there can still be the establishment of unhealthy  emotional ties and debilitating strongholds in the life of the individual – areas where guilt and shame take control, where purpose is tainted and potential is thwarted; where reputations can be destroyed, hearts broken and dreams shattered

Remember that David’s sin began with a glance. In actuality, his sin began the day he decided to neglect his boundaries and borders. ‘At the time when kings go off to war’ [II Sam. 11:1] – David was AT HOME; somewhere he should not have been, with idle time on his hands, lounging on his rooftop and clearly without accountability to himself, his wife [wives] or anyone else.

Our executive pastor shared in his sermon yesterday, “My devotion determines the direction and destiny of my life.” So I ask, ‘What will you be devoted to? Lust or Love? The desires of the flesh or the purposes of God?

I share this not to bring condemnation upon anyone or to act like I have lived the perfect life. These are questions I had to ask when I saw myself veering off course. I share this to demonstrate how easy it is to get off track. It is also my hope that something shared here will help introduce freedom into the life of one in our reading community by sharing what not to do. If you are in a romantic relationship, hopefully what has been shared will provide some pointers to help secure the borders & boundaries. If you are still seeking a romantic relationship, perhaps something here [some added perspective] will help with avoiding dangerous pitfalls and confusing lust with love.

Even if you began in lust, you can still turn and finish in love.

If you are currently in a relationship which you thought was love – and are realizing it is actually rooted in lust, lacking boundaries, out its proper context and devoid of its God intended purpose – YOU CAN TURN

The enemy may not want you to forget; the world may not ever forgive;

BUT THE LORD – He says that anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old is passed away, behold all things are new [II Cor. 5:17]

His mercies are new every morning.

Praying You Have a Blessed Evening!

Wishing You Much Love …

LOVE: IT IS MULTI-FACETED

Good Morning & Happy Sunday – I pray your weekend is going well.

TODAY – we will continue our discussion on LOVE;

We will be taking a look at the multi-faceted nature of love when it comes to EROS LOVE

OFTEN – when researching information on love, I find that love is tackled singularly;

Looking at each of the four types individually: AGAPE, STORGE, PHILEO, EROS

However, they are all intertwined when considered in the scope of a romantic type of love.

Love is fabulous and the romantic side of love is the primary focus at this time of year.

However, that love must have its foundations in all four types of love in order to truly be successful.

YESTERDAY – We discussed in detail the importance of PHILEO LOVE

So, today I would like to follow-up by focusing on AGAPE and STORGE – as relates to EROS

At the onset of our discussion, we talked about AGAPE LOVE and how our view of God’s love has a direct impact on our ability to not only receive love from Him but to give love to and receive love from others. We are reminded that agape love is the highest expression of love. It is selfless and unconditional – it is godly. It not only speaks to the love that God has for us and has demonstrated toward us; It also speaks to the love He expects for us to have for others

• John 3:16 tells us, ‘God so loved [AGAPE] the world, that He gave His only begotten Son.’ He gave His best!
• The expectation of the LORD is conveyed in John 13:34, ‘A new command I give you: Love [AGAPE] one another. As I have loved [AGAPE] you, so you must love [AGAPE] others.’
• These sentiments are echoed in the greatest command shared by Jesus in Matthew 22:38-39 ‘You shall love [AGAPE] the LORD your God…; you shall love [AGAPE] your neighbor…’
• Lastly, we see the saints admonishing one another in I John 4:11, ‘Dear friends, since God so loved [AGAPE] us, we also out to love [AGAPE each other].

It is possible [and expected] that we should have this type of love [AGAPE LOVE] for one another. And it plays a vital role in the foundation of a romantic [EROS LOVE] relationship. However, it is not possible to know how to love this way if you do not first experience the love of God for yourself.  It must also be understood that this love – agape love – is more than a feeling; it is a resolve. This type of love – agape love – is a choice; not based upon external factors. And it lays a solid foundation for a romantic type of love.

LIKEWISE – family love [STORGE] plays an important role in romantic [EROS] love and relationships. If an individual has not had positive experiences  or role models in the area of love [STORGE], it can have an impact on how they view love, how they demonstrate love and their ability to receive love from another. Notice that I said it ‘can’ impact the individual, not that ‘it will’. If yours was not an experience where there were positive demonstrations of STORGE/FAMILY love – it is not a lifetime sentence on your ability to have positive love experiences. Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation. [II Cor. 5:17] Yet, it is important to understand how your earliest experiences with love ‘can’ shape some of the perspectives you hold regarding love.

If your family was not one that was outwardly expressive with love – it can impact how you demonstrate love:

• Did they say, ‘I love you’? Or was it simply understood?
• Were there physical manifestations of love in the way of hugs?
• Was love demonstrated through the purchase and giving of gifts?
• Was love conveyed through meaningful conversation and/or time spent together?

All these things play a role in how we demonstrate love and how we believe it should be displayed –

• They shape the expectations which we carry into romantic relationships.
• Further, these earliest ideas and concepts are not easily unlearned.
• And I am not saying there is a right or wrong way  or whether something needs to be unlearned. But it is important to understand how you and your partner view and demonstrate love.

Your experiences with AGAPE, STORGE & PHILEO LOVE all have an impact on how you approach and manage EROS LOVE: It is important because, when you have an understanding on how each person views love and displays love, it will go a long way in helping to eliminate inflated & unrealistic expectations and minimize the potential for disappointment.

Are you starting to understand why I will need to extend our discussion through the end of February? This thing called love is multi-faceted and so dynamic that is a challenge to ensure it is addressed clearly, completely and succinctly.

I pray the discussion we are having on love is somewhat beneficial.

I would love to hear from you in the comments section below.

Praying You Have a Blessed Day!

Wishing You Much Love …

LOVE: WHERE EROS BEGINS

Good Morning Friends

It is the weekend and I am looking forward to a fabulous one.

Let’s forget the fact that I have already been up for several hours [thank you internal alarm clock]; and the fact that the temperature has dropped roughly 40-degrees since yesterday. Today is going to be a great day! It is perfect for relaxing, reading and writing

So, let’s dive right in!

Yesterday – we talked about EROS LOVE;

How it is romantic and passionate; intensely intimate and sexual

Today – however, I would like to start with PHILEO LOVE

Why? Because I believe there must be great PHILEO LOVE to experience great EROS LOVE

There must be a mutual admiration, respect and love for one another.

Recall how we noted that while EROS LOVE has sexual elements; 

It is not solely defined by sex

EROS LOVE and sex are two different elements. 

And while both can be present in a relationship, they are not equal and interchangeable.

You can have sex which could, in the worst scenario, actually be a violent attack

-        NOT EROS LOVE

You can have sex which is erotic & enticing to one and debasing & humiliating to the other

-        NOT EROS LOVE

You can have sex which falls outside of the originally planned context

-        NOT EROS LOVE [and something we will discuss when we revisit boundaries]

-        Scripture tells us how, ‘a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh … [how] Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:24-25

-        The LORD designed men and women brilliantly and perfectly!

Understand that for every perfect plan of God; the enemy has designed a cheap counterfeit our lives and to keep us from experiencing God’s best for our lives.

I believe this is how EROS LOVE has become synonymous with sex.

It is sexual and passionate but it is not merely or necessarily sex.

True EROS LOVE has its roots in many types of love - which will be discussing in more detail [*As an aside – I think we might end up taking our LOVE discussion through the end of February]

IN ANY EVENT – 

This is why I believe the best EROS LOVE begins in the realm of PHILEO LOVE.

You will recall that phileo love is a mutual love, appreciation and affection.

NOW, the majority of your PHILEO relationships will not develop into EROS love [that would be strange and a discussion for another day]. HOWEVER, the very best EROS relationships must include a foundation of PHILEO LOVE. This is my belief.

When I think about my best friendships, they are based upon:

-        Mutual Respect

-        Mutual Sharing & Growing

-        Trust

-        Vulnerability

-        Generosity

-        Thoughtfulness

-        Selflessness

-        Genuine Feelings of Good Will

-        Honesty; the very truest form, the kind that hurts sometimes but that echoes the sentiments in Proverbs 27:6 which reminds us that even the ‘wounds’ of a friend can be trusted. There is a saying, ‘you shall know the truth and it shall set you free.’ However, I have long been a proponent of the idea that, ‘you shall know the truth and it shall make you mad – long before it sets you free.’ Yet, the best PHILEO relationships embrace this because the intention behind the honesty is never to harm – it is always based on the desire for the other person to experience their best life possible

-        Shared Principles; this is not the same as shared ideas and perspectives. It is however, based upon similar core values. My very best PHILEO relationships are those where we share the same core values and are able to build one another up in faith and based upon godly principles.

This list could go on –

And, what would EROS relationships look like if more had their start and foundation in PHILEO LOVE? What would the divorce rate look like?

Think about your past relationships – EROS relationships;

For the relationships which were not successful and that ended, were there items from our PHILEO relationship list that were lacking?

For the EROS relationship you have currently;

What items on our list play a role in the effectiveness of the relationship?

What items on the list, if present in greater measure, could make the relationship even better?

EROS LOVE – 

IT IS A LOT MORE THAN WHAT IT HAS BEEN MADE OUT TO BE

AND IT MATTERS WHERE YOU BEGIN

Praying You Have a Blessed Day!

Wishing You Much Love …