Never thought the day would come when I would send you a letter. But, here I am.
Now, let me apologize directly - I know that phrase 'I am' makes you cringe. And this is truly not intended to be a mean-spirited letter [my apologies again]. Nevertheless, here I am:
I am still sharing...
I am still serving...
I am still believing...
I am still trusting...
I am still praising...
I am still standing...
I am still ... I AM's
But this letter is really not about me. It is about you! Unfortunately, there is not room enough to cover everything that you have done ...
- What you did to me as a child
- Breaking up my parent's marriage
- All the taunting and teasing and beatings in elementary
- All the self-loathing in middle school: never pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, popular enough, just plain not enough - or at least that is what you told me
Now, while we are on the subject of recognition, let me apologize for all the times I blamed you for things that were fully me. I understand that you get a bad rap sometimes and probably question how you manage to get the credit for some of the things that - you may have wished you had done - but simply didn't. But that is a discussion for another day.
Yes, childhood was a challenge. But something happened in high school. Between the failure from the one school, transfer to the new school and being pulled away from my friends - things were, well, awkward. In fact, I got to feeling so misdirected that it caused me to pause.
Pain is a great motivator - if for no other reason than you want the pain to end. I know you can relate to a pain that seems like it will never cease. In those moments, the pain will cause you to run. Those who can get away from the pain will. Those who can't roam aimlessly, wishing it would end but never finding peace. In my moment, it caused me to run away from the source of the pain and run toward the One capable of relieving it.
Angels rejoiced!
Demons screached ...
And I rested,
Covered by the blood of Jesus,
Safe within the arms of Jesus,
Reconciled to my God and King,
Filled with His Holy Spirit.
Again, not trying to rub it in. In fact, I might not have made that decision if you hadn't done all you did. Thank you!
In my naiveté, I assumed that life would be sunshine and roses from that point forward. Turns out that it was anything but.
I mean, it was great for a while. I was determined to evangelize the whole world by the time I was thirty! Ok - so that did not happen. But, I did well for a while and then struggled for a while longer.
Sometimes, it appears that those who come to Him later in life have an easier time - with the forgiveness and 'no condemnation' aspect. They have done their deeds and received redemption.
Unfortunately, getting saved at a young age - and then making some terribly wrong decisions - I have struggled in the past with really feeling forgiven. I still can't believe I'm talking to you about these things. But I think you can relate. It is one thing to sin in ignorance, without the awesome knowledge of who He is. However, there is a greater challenge in receiving unconditional love when you've messed up after the fact and should have known better. Yet I know I am forgiven!
It wasn't always the way it is now though. When I was right, I listened to your voice that said I was wrong and confused. When I was wrong, I let you convince me that I was right. Simple human!
There have been so many challenges:
- Failed marriage
- Single parenting
- Health issues
- Insecurities
- Career challenges
- Unemployment
Yet, despite everything, I have come to this understanding. There are consequences of sin and punishment for sin. They are not the same. But I know you already know that ... you just hope that we don't realize it. If everything is punishment, it makes it so much harder to receive the love that He freely gives. And there are even times when He doesn't even require that we bear the consequence ... well, not all of us.
However, I understand that is not your experience so I can understand why you might want those lines to remain blurred. You see, punishment puts all the blame on Him while consequence puts the responsibility right where it belongs - with the one who made the decision.
I think about you from time to time. And I feel for you. Deep in my heart of hearts, I believe you would do things very differently if given the opportunity - hindsight is 20/20. Most would call me a heretic for even penning this letter to you, for thinking of you and feeling even an ounce of compassion. But I cannot help it. The more I grow, the more I am finding that I am becoming more and more like Him - able to love everyone.
So, what is the point in this long letter? Simply to say, 'Thank you!'
Every trial, every challenge, every weapon that was formed against me, has worked for my good and has been a catalyst in my pursuit of God - in my journey with God. Interesting that one who has been my chief nemesis would prove so helpful.
And I am left with these thoughts ...
'No weapon formed against you [me, not you] shall prosper. And every tongue which rises against you [again, me] in judgment, you [I] shall condemn...' Isaiah 54:17
'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28
'What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword ?' Romans 8:31-35
'Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:37-39
There is so much truth and power in those verses!
But, I don't have to tell you that ...
You know scripture better than most Christians.
I love those verses because they remind me that life will not be perfect. But it can be perfectly peaceful in the midst of the fiercest storms.
There is something about being brought to your knees that automatically prompts you to pray - you are already in position.
There is something to being disappointed by those around you that makes you reflect upon and cling to the Friend who sticks closer than a brother.
There is something about being caught in the midst of a brutal attack which causes you to call upon the One who has already fought and won that battle.
The battle is a blessing!
I am cetain that we will have many more moments together before we must separate for eternity - So, for all you've done, for all you are doing and for all you will do in the future ... Thanks!
I'd sign my name,
But I know you already know it ...
Victorious, blood-bought, Spirit-taught child of the Lord God Almighty!
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